Obvious spoilers if you haven’t seen the movie yet.
I went a bit extreme this year.
Not only did I go see BD2 four times in three days opening weekend #hardcorefangirl
If you do the math above (or not – i’m getting to the punch line here) – I actually went twice opening night.
This is like a whole new level of fangirling for me. And every time I’m all….
But the fact is – this is the end. This is it. There is
nothing left to live for there is NO other movie after this.
This is now all we have of the Twilight Saga and it is DONE.
Chew on that for a moment.
So naturally I needed to go all out this year. I needed to do this movie (this Saga) that has rocked my world and ruined men and life for me all together for four years straight – absolute justice.
I have gone back and forth in my head about a system to doing this – to saying goodbye and reviewing it one last time – until I was all – fuck the system. Let’s just roll with this.
OH. If you are pressed for time and don’t want to read my detailed thoughts. There’s a 30 second rundown that I personally think is hilarious at the end. Cool? Cool.
So here we go.
Feelings were felt during the opening. I’m actually ridiculously glad that unlike the previous movies – we had a long opening credits. Why? Because not only were the colours red and white really pretty and all the mountains and the frost and yeah – the long intro paired so perfectly with a medley of all the themes from every movie, gave me time to just mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen. It also gave me a chance to start sobbing before the movie even really started. #normal
“We’re the same temperature now.” is officially in my eyes the worst line of the entire saga.
THE unf noise
You totally know what I’m talking about because I’ve noticed women lose their shit in the theatre every time it happens. Just after Edward says “It’s your turn not to break me.” he makes that UNF noise when she tugs him at her again. I basically die every time.
Admit it. You love the UNF.
THE running. the hunting.
I can’t. The music and the visual look of it – it’s what I’ve come to expect with this series but I still cringe every time. But seeing Bella tackle that cougar? Ok. It made up for the three minutes of awkward CGI effects prior.
So I’m just going to categorize all things Renesmee into this one blurb. I’m still not nuts about the kid. I disliked her in the book. I am known for repeatedly saying that I would have gladly taken the end of the book after the honeymoon and escaped without a half vampire half human blood drinking baby with creepy growth habits. But Stephenie Meyer didn’t do us that courtesy so we’re stuck with Renesmee.
And while creepy CGI baby freaked me out and looked downright alien-like in the piano scene (ultimately ruining it for me) McKenzie was adorable. Even if she was too lazy to ever speak and just used her whole ‘let me creepily touch you’ thing all the time. My heart DID melt slightly when she said ‘hello Aro.’
JACOB the dog
One of my favorite non-Bella & Edward vamp sexing it up (more on that later) parts was definitely Bella dragging Jacob out of the house – followed by the “YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCHNESS MONSTER?” which was epic.
Slightly too Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (the Disney version not the version I’m still not comfortable watching and do not own – for obvious reasons) but what happened in said cottage……
THE vamp sex
Ok. I don’t know what it says about me that the longest blurb on this post will probably be about the vamp sex. It probably says that I’m a horny, perverted bitch. But whatever. Since when has that stopped me.
I LOVED the vamp sex. And while I know many were underwhelmed or disappointed or wanted more – well obviously we all wanted more. We wanted a full-blown NC-17 version if we could have had it our way. But this was a PG-13 movie written and produced by a mormon. And if you take that into consideration – I think we did pretty damn good.
I think the ever-awesome Meg (you may know her as @megschmegg) said it best when she texted me that she felt she was watching something she wasn’t suppose to be seeing. I now more than ever need my hands on an R/K sex tape like yesterday.
There are many a gifs circulating but because I don’t want to end up in jail cell – I’m not going to post them. But can I just say that the LEG TANGLE OF THE CENTURY may have been the death of me? I don’t know what is wrong with my wiring but for some reason that just about did me in. That and the perfect up-close shots of Rob’s jaw, Bella throwing her head back in pleasure and can we talk about the orgasm sparkles as I’m calling them?
Yeah. I went there.
AND. To top everything off – you know how you always have that favourite song on the soundtrack before you go to the movie and you’re all stressed out because you are nervous about where it will be placed in the movie (or where it won’t be placed. I’m still bitter about ‘Heavy in Your Arms’ getting put in the credits in Eclipse.) Well. ‘Fire in the Water’ was my FAVOURITE.
So naturally in the theatre I was all…..
But with popcorn – not macaroons
And to finish it all off with that naked tangling of limbs ( can you see my obsession with limbs tangled? I love it. It’s so hot.) in front of the fireplace?
Yeah. I loved the vamp sex.
You know, like Magic Mike? When Jacob strips for Charlie? I laughed so hard it hurt. Which never happens at Twilight movies.
Charlie is just forever breaking my heart with his sweetness and love for his daughter. Between his “you don’t turn into an animal” line, the “you’ve grown half a foot – seriously, like 6 inches” and “woman knows her trout!” – I just love love love Charlie. And I’m going to miss him as a character terribly.
My love for this photo
THE piano scene
This for me was the biggest disappointment. I really didn’t like it. And I wanted to so badly. Because the original Edward playing the piano for Bella in Twilight was so perfect.
But I just couldn’t no matter how much I tried in this one. Renesmee looked way too creepy for me. And everyone just standing around watching like creepers just I don’t know – I get it. You’re vampires. You have nothing better to do than stand around for the rest of time but did EVERYONE need to stand around and watch?
THE Denalis (the 2 cool ones – not the bitchy betraying one)
I actually LOVED Kate and Tanya. Which is saying a lot because I’ve been conditioned to hate Tanya thanks to fic.
THE 1000000 other vamps
A lot of people were looking forward to all the vampires uniting in this movie. I was all – meh. Give me more vamp sex. But I did like a few of them. And Dracula 1 and Dracula 2 gave me the giggles and were a totally accurate throwback to the transylvania idea of vampires. But all the other vamps? It was information overload.
HOW about a bath
The biggest issue I had with BD2 (and please only take my bad comments as just that – comments. I freaking loved this movie) was that I wanted more Edward and Bella. But at least the alone scenes we did get with them – including the one of the two of them in the cottage and him all sexily trying to undress her – were perfect.
One of the biggest scenes that I was looking forward to was when Bella goes to Seattle to see J. Jenks. And I loved it in the movie. But I really wish it could have been a little longer. And her outfit in that scene? I covet.
WE love bonfires
Could we not have been spared the bonfire in exchange for more B&E? No? Bonfires where Vampires and Werewolves reflect on their lives and tell “war stories” is more important? Ok. Cool. Good to know.
BATTLES and twist endings
H’ok. So as per the fabulous Jess’ (she’s @luvmesumedward for all of you) recommendation after she saw the movie the night of the LA premiere (because she’s a big deal like that) she told me whatever I did NOT to spoil the ending for myself. And I’m glad I listened. Even if the stress caused in the theatre during the first viewing was enough to shave five years off of my life.
No big deal. Who needs five extra years?
Carlisle? That would have been the predictable choice IF they were going to kill a character off. His whole ‘thank you’ scene with Edward at the
lame bonfire bonfire almost foreshadowed the possibility of him getting killed off IF they wanted to go that route. Still. I was so distraught – I was ready to hand my fan card in at the door.
Jasper? That’s when I knew something was up. To me – it was believable they’d kill off Carlisle but not Jasper too. And then when they killed the wolves (which ps: was harder to watch then humans getting killed off) – I KNEW something was seriously up. And then I remembered my favorite movie of the summer.
Savages. And if you’ve seen Savages. You know what I’m talking about.
And then I was all – THIS WILL ALL BE OK.
With a side of – DAMN YOU BD2 FOR GIVING ME ANXIETY.
My reason for living. Ok not really. But it was absolutely epic and awesome and I just want it in my life all the time. #normal Michael Sheen is awesome in my eyes. I have loved him since this moment.
He can do no wrong. Nor could his laugh ever be wrong.
THE future is … weird
Quick question. Why does Renesmee STILL need to look awkward in the future vision Alice has? She’s going to be all grown up. How many of us look exactly like we did as kids. Could we not have had a pretty actress without CGI who doesn’t look all gimpy when walking? Thanks.
Also known as time to sob like a child in the fetal position. Continued into the credits. The entire ending to this movie (and to this Saga) was perfect. I couldn’t have imagined it any better – unless it was longer because I could have stood to sob another twenty minutes or so in the theatre. No big deal.
I LOVED the homage to all of the previous actors. I love how they incorporated the pages of the book. I love how I actually hated ‘A Thousand Years’ in the original soundtrack and now I love the part 2 version because of this ending.
I love how I will still continue to cry about this being over twenty years from now and that’s ok.
So in short – as promised above for those of you with more important things to do with five minutes of your life then read the reasoning behind my ranting – I give you:
Breaking Dawn 2 in 30 Seconds
The opening made me cry. The CGI made me bad cry. Renesmee is creepy. Jacob needs to be treated like a dog all the time. The cottage lacked dwarves. The vamp sex had me all “LEGS. LIMBS. TANGLING. GOODBYE.” ORGASM SPARKLES. Jacob made me laugh for once. Charlie = the bomb.com. Piano scene ruined by alien child. Denalis are actually fun. Family reunions better with Dracula squared. Edward DOES take her clothes off better. I can watch Bella strut in Seattle all day long. Bonfires are lame. Battles give me anxiety. Aro’s laugh for president. Renesmee continues to look creepy in the future. The meadow forever brings the creys. HOLY SHIT THIS SAGA IS OVER. the end.
And now I hit post and go cry some more.